Letting Go. To Ride the Bus or Not To Ride

My son and daughter to about to attend their first public school.  I have a soon to be first grader and kindergartner. The school strongly encourages using the school busing available for transportation.  I'm petrified thinking of my little 5 year old on a bus for 45 mins.  How in the world am I going let them ride the bus?  Huge transition for Me and them.  I may need to ease into this, a bit.  Maybe I'll drive them the first couple of weeks and then let them get excited about riding versus bartering with them about it.   I'm so nervous!

Another PCS, Another Friendship-Dating Scene

Dreading the Friendship-Dating Scene, Again.

With every PCS, I’m forced to start dating again – Friendship-Dating, that is.

Picture this.  A speed dating service for military spouses, but instead of looking for a hot date, the service helps us find friends in a new community.   Doesn’t that sound like a wonderful idea?  What should we call it?  www.milspousematch.com or www.militaryharmony.com ?

I just PCS’d - again.  Nothing but boxes and paper and unfinished rooms surround me, my children are bored out of their minds and need more than their mom and Wii to play with .  I don’t know a soul in Ohio.  A few weeks ago, I left the best group of friends and the “Dream Team” of military spouses.  Now, I have to start over, again.  I’m dreaming of this imaginary online friendship matching service and if it were real, I would join in a hot second.  

Finding and making new friends and re-building my support network after a move is a lot like dating again.  And I hated the dating scene when I was single! 

First, I have to leave the house.  New friends are not going to find me while I’m under a ton of cardboard boxes, engulfed in dull brown paper and tripping on random items lying around the house.  However, I can’t just wander outside in my ugly yoga pants and torn t-shirt.  No, I actually have to make an effort before I leave the house because you never know if I might run into a potential friend at Target or the park.

Today is the day, I can’t take it anymore. I need to talk to someone else besides my kids.   I put on my cutest “mom” clothes, run a brush through my hair and head out the door with children in tow.   I can do this.  To park I go, hoping to find a neighbor or another mom to connect with.  

I spot someone who has the same age children I have at the park.  I take a deep breath, wondering when is the right time to approach her. What could I ask her to start a conversation? Maybe she is new, as well?  She could be waiting to find a new bestie, too. I’m so nervous.  I frantically review different scenarios and questions in my head, hoping not to sound desperate.

She has a tennis racquet on her key chain. I play tennis.  This is too good to be true.   I try not to look anxious – kind of like not wanting to look like I put out on the first date.  But, I’m so excited.  

So I find a scrap receipt in my purse and write down my phone number.  Yes, giving out the digits on the first meeting is totally acceptable. I even know several military spouses that have business cards with their contact info and they give them out like candy.

I’m going to make the first move.  Maybe I’ll compliment on her scarf or maybe I’ll comment on how well behaved her kids are – well, barely behaving. I’ve summoned the courage.  I walk over to her with a sliver of confidence and then….BAM! She gets up and walks away to meet another friend she had been waiting on.  

Uh, oh! I’m stuck in the awkward stance, clearly trying to disguise my missed-timed approach. She stares at me for a second without curiosity – more like absurdity, then turns away and I suddenly feel ridiculous and alone.  Rejected.  I make up some sad story about her in my head to make myself feel better.  I conclude she has Xenophobia (phobia of strangers) and I give her the stink eye just to make her nervous.  My vision of my first friend in this new place has been crushed.  

But, I know that life is lonely without “that” friend you can depend on.  Heck, I just need to find someone to list as my emergency contact at the children’s school.  Anyone?  Bueller? Bueller? I felt like such a loser when the secretary at the school gave me the “pity face” because I didn’t know anyone yet.  I had amazing friends at my last base.  The friendship-dating scene bites in Ohio.  

Just when I was feeling hopeless, a military spouse came to my rescue.  See, I have an amazing friend, Carrie, who lives in Virginia.  We were stationed together in Texas a few years back. She recognized that not only was I moving to Ohio, but also so was another friend of hers, named Crystal, living in Virginia. She introduced us via Facebook.  We began an “online” friendship and eventually realized we were going to be living in nearby neighborhoods.

Carrie, the clever mil spouse that she is, gave Crystal a book to deliver to me.  (The book was about Queen Elizabeth I, I’m a sucker for the Tudors) I think it was her way to ensure we connected in Ohio.   Crystal stopped by a few days after I moved in with the book.  It was the first time we’ve seen each other, but I felt like I’ve known her forever.  Have I a mentioned that I love military spouses?   

Later that week, she texts me and says she has a bottle of wine to give me.  By the way, wine is the universal gift of military spouses.  We decided to meet in the park in our neighborhood with our kids, the same park I was recently rejected in.  

Crystal arrives in fashion on a bike with a backpack.  We sit on the park bench and she proceeds by pulling out a beautifully adorned bottle of my favorite red wine and two plastic cups. She opens the bottle like a master and we sit together watching the children play, chatting about schools and our military life while the sun begins to set.  It was perfect.  We tap our plastic glasses together and cheers to Carrie, our mutual friend, who put us together.  

After my child has her third meltdown, I barely noticed the first two, we realized it was time to leave.  

I lean over and ask the burning question, “Would you mind if I listed you as my emergency contact for my kids school?”  

“Of course!” she responds as if it had already been foregone conclusion.

Happy sigh.  And now I have “that” friend.  My friendship dating continues, but as least I know I have friend I can call, someone who understands this crazy life and is more than willing to take a chance on a new face.  More importantly, she carries wine in her backpack.

Finding and making new friends is as nerve wrecking as the dating scene when I was single.  It’s daunting, scary and full of rejection. However, life just isn’t the same without friends.  And in this transient life, we are forced to find our “match” every time we move.

So if you’re in the market for a friend, I might suggest first friendship-dating a fellow military spouse.  I’m not saying they’re easy (he he), but I can tell you they understand the power of friendship and connecting more than anyone else you’ll ever meet.  Together, we have an expansive network of spouses who can ease the sting of friendship-dating. 

Feeling grateful and ready to conquer the dating scene again.

Childhood Anxiety: How an insightful tween and psychologist mother connect on the way to a birthday party.

My 11 year old son had a birthday party to go to one Saturday afternoon. On the way home from getting the present, 15 minutes before party time, he said "I don't want to go to the party" in a tone I know too well: he's panicking. In my head I thought this makes no sense he is going to his neighbor's party whom he sees EVERY DAY!! But I take a breath and ask "Really, why not?" Then I hear another familiar sound, really fast breathing and in a more panicky tone, "I just don't want to go, I'm anxious". Ok I got this, I say "Just breathe, slowly, let's figure this out my number one client." As we talk I review with him his history of struggles going to parties, entering classrooms, going to play dates and engaging his peers. Some of the incidents he remembered, some he did not. I pointed out to him how far he had come since his preschool days and how brave he has been over the years entering classroom after classroom as the new kid because of our military lifestyle. (He is going into 6th grade and has been the new kid 5 times since preschool.) We connected the incidents with what he shared recently with me and his father, he doesn't like to approach his friends, he'd rather wait until they come to  him. I expanded on this by pointing out how just the other day he struggled going to the pool where his friends already were, and how it seemed harder to JOIN his friends rather than going WITH his friends. That time I went to the pool and we realized that put him at ease because I was his crutch, his back up playmate so he felt safe. Once there he readily joined his friends and told me we would play later.

Now I am getting my Aha moments and putting the pieces together. As we pull into the parking lot for the birthday party I asked him why he thought he was anxious and he said "Fear of rejection". I laughed out loud because that's where I was headed. I asked if he came up with that phrase on his own and we agreed I may have mentioned it before, nevertheless its quite insightful for him to identify that when  he's feeling it.

As we walk in I am struggling to provide social skills training that will get him through the first 10-15 minutes of the party. After that he usually relaxes and enjoys himself. Unfortunately all I came up with is what NOT to do: don't sulk or be obnoxious to get attention. His push back "Its too late, I have already been obnoxious before and got yelled at." Darn it. So now I am panicking because I don't have the answer, all the kids come in, he sits, looks gloomy, barely says hi to his friends. UGH. I give him a couple of hugs and leave, torn, wanting to stay to coach him but knowing that is not helpful, he has to figure this one out. I didn't hear from him after a couple of hours so was confident he pulled through. But now what? It sounds to me like a little introversion, mixed with fear of rejection, and add that adolescent boy behavior.

What to do:
1. Debrief him when he comes home to find out what went RIGHT. If anything went wrong, brainstorm what he might do next time. This means help him develop COPING SKILLS.
2.Recognize a gender difference: If it were my daughter the girls would come in squeeling and hug her as a group putting her immediately at ease. With the boys its more aloof, lots of "Hey", and you can pick out  the leader of the pack, this does not put my son at ease. Now I must look into social development of adolescent boys. AHHHH!
3. Explore introversion and social phobias.
4. CALL THE MILITARY FAMILY LIFE CONSULTANT. (I have her on speed dial) His first year of middle school starts soon and he may need some extra support to make this transition.

What not to do:
1. Avoid providing too many escapes from social situations i.e. video games. The more he interacts with his peers the more situations he will learn to manage.
2. TRY not to be the crutch. Provide him with skills, encouragement, and a safety net but do NOT go to the sleep over with him. I WILL not go to college with him.
3. NEVER say "I told you it would be fun". Discuss his efforts and listen to how things went. If it went well use the incident later as an example of overcoming fearful situations.

Military kids need us to be positive!

http://www.militaryspouse.com/articles/want-a-well-adjust-military-child-have-a-positive-attitude/

A few life lessons about being a military spouse and a mother!

http://www.militaryspouse.com/articles/five-lessons-i-learned-about-being-a-mother-and-a-military-spouse/

Military Interstate Children's Compact Commission is fighting for our military kids!

http://www.militaryspouse.com/articles/military-interstate-childrens-compact-commission/

A great way to examine the way we eat and how we feed out kids!

http://www.militaryspouse.com/articles/clean-eating-how-to-navigate-the-commissary/